In honor of the imminent release of The Faker’s Guide to the Classics: Everything You Need to Know About the Books You Should Have Read (But Didn’t), I will now disembowel some of the greatest of the greats, highlighting their tragic endings with pithy commentary.

(Spoiler: Scroll down to see how you can win a copy of Faker’s!)

 

Moby Dick

Cap’n gets it when Moby drowns him and the rest of the crew—except Ishmael, who chills in a floating coffin in the middle of the ocean until he can hitch a ride.

No, there’s nothing weird about a man being so obsessed with a sperm whale named Dick. Not at all.

 

Of Mice and Men 

Lennie has a problem with petting things so hard he snaps their necks—including his boss’ wife. So his best friend shoots him in the back of the head. To protect him.

Whoops. Their bad.

 

Don Quixote of La Mancha

Don Quixote Alfonso Quixano remembers who he really is and is totes embarrassed that he took his cray-cray on tour. He dies a sad old man.

Sanity is so overrated.

 

Contest!

Now for the fun part. Win a copy of The Faker’s Guide to the Classics: Everything You Need to Know About the Books You Should Have Read (But Didn’t) by leaving your own mini-spoiler of a classic in 35 words or fewer. The best one(s)—as judged by moi—will get a personalized copy of the book. And beaucoup book nerd bonus points.

You’ve got until the end of the day on the book’s official pub date—Tuesday, May 21, 2013—to enter. The number of winners depends on how awesome the entries are, and my mood when selecting prize winners, though at least one copy will be given away. But probably more.

 

Faker's Guide to the Classics

 

To sum up:
Leave your own spoiler of a classic novel
in 35 words or fewer
as a comment on this post
by the end of the day on Tuesday, May 21, 2013.
And then pre-order your copy of Faker’s Guide.

*Modern classics are allowed, though we’ll cut it off at books published up through 1999.